Boyfriend Makes a Friend

Since moving to New York City from the Southerland, Boyfriend has struggled with finding his own group of friends. First, he tried finding friends in the squirrels outside our apartment. Boyfriend would spend hours of his time gallivanting with these squirrels, offering them the special pistachio nuts he bought at the grocery store with them in mind. When they refused his courtship, Boyfriend began pushing them off the fences they perched atop. Next, he attached himself to my own clan of females, often cracking inappropriate jokes while we sipped wine and attempted to keep it classy. This also ended in failure. In an effort to forge new "relationships," Boyfriend has taken a liking to his Xbox. Typical, no? A man likes to play Xbox games. The not-so-typical? This man thinks his online Xbox world is perhaps a little more real-life than is probably normal. I recently had an argument with Boyfriend about his new Xbox "friends." My point? They're not real. His? Well, here is what he told me while defending his new favorite people:

It's about building relationships. When I responded with, "I'm sorry...relationships?" He countered with a "Yes. You're doing something together that you enjoy." Ah yes, much like when I go to a yoga class and bond with people while enjoying the downward dog. Except I know who they are because I can see them.

Half of them are older than me. This was a response to when I pointed out that he's probably playing with little boys from around the world. He also concluded that a player named "Redneck Gunner" could not possibly be from anywhere but the United States.


Zombieman is 40, his name's Chris. And again, I ask these are your friends? I rest my case.

If you find that your man is now taking a new liking to his Xbox like never before, please be aware. It is not safe, nor is it normal. Only a man would think it is routine to "forge relationships" at 3:00 am...with strangers...over shooting people in fake combat. My remedy? I steal his headset and remind the boys that he has a girlfriend, and a very obnoxious one at that. Nobody will be hunting and kidnapping Boyfriend anytime soon.  If that doesn't work? Buy him pistachio nuts and send him to Central Park.